Tumbling Peter

assuming. making an ass out of you and me. this is not the case in my situation. i just made an ass out of myself. i figured running away from everything back home would make things better. of course i’ve assumed wrong…

no matter how much i try to pretend it didn’t happen… it happened. no matter how much i try to say it’s fine… it isn’t fine. even though i’m not home… that doesn’t mean the situation didn’t happen… it doesn’t mean that because i ran off that everything back home is the same… 

but inside my head right now… i’ll keep telling myself that. 

just might be for the best.

close my eyes. try to breathe. but as soon as my lids close all my thoughts run together. my thoughts are on a treadmill… they keep running, and with each thought i catch myself out of breath, i catch myself gasping for air, running faster and faster. at some point i’m not sure if i’m running from the thoughts or if the thoughts are running to me…

and then, just when i can’t breathe, i need to stop… i fall off the treadmill with a loud thud… and everything breaks. my whole body aches, i can’t move, i break down. 

i know… such a weird analogy to describe how i’m feeling…

it’s just everything in my life is so unusual lately. i’m having nightmares more then i have in a long time. now their not only about my brother… their about losing others i love. mainly my mom. happy mother’s day by the way. but honestly she’s been there for me way too much. i’ve never realized how much i depend on her until of course… something like her ending up in the hospital happens. i honestly, don’t know how i’d live without her.

yes, i know everyone dies, but at this age… nineteen… i just… i’m a young adult, confused about my life, not sure what i want to do with my life, having a mom around if of importance… i don’t know how people my age can handle losing there’s… i know i won’t be able to. 

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if im being honest today was kind of crappy. i mean… it’s mother’s day. hooray i get to see my mom.. in the hospital! which means we didn’t get to take her anywhere. but i’m thankful she was at least here for mother’s day… still alive and all. but i wish i could have spent more time with her.

on top of that… jess and me are in a weird spot right now. i don’t even know if i want to go to california now. it’s hard leaving my mom… and leaving jess… i have legit one day to figure out things.

oh and that’s not all… i’ve pretty much made someone hate me today. someone, i don’t even know how to describe it. guess it doesn’t really matter anymore. i guess i care about the person in a very offhanded way… so i guess i care about how they view me. though i distorted that earlier on when i told them something i shouldn’t have anyways. 

and i’d go on to mention how my dad’s handling my mom in the hospital… but some things you even have to leave off tumblr… no matter how much you want to vent about it. :/ 

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oh well. i’m trying to keep my chin up. put on that peter smile and just go with the flow of things, try to joke my way through everything… but sometimes me being just peter doesn’t fix everything. i dont know what im talking about now. i’m just rambling. 

remembering… trying to remember the good. 1. Shelter over my head. 2. I have food. and I love food. 3. My sister’s are in good health. 4. I got to see my mom today. 5. Three pretty great friends. 6. I don’t have to run around naked, I have clothes. 7. Jess?

And for those.. I am thankful. But sometimes the bad tends to outweigh the good… even though it shouldn’t.